Modern Cars

  • Somebody is trying to wreck the automobile industry. Step One is to outlaw the internal combustion engine. They say it uses fossil fuel and creates a lot of pollution but the truth is, it’s just too manly for them. They don’t like explosions and with a V8 engine you get at least 4,000 of ‘em a minute. That’s why they roar. Most people put mufflers on so they can hear themselves think. Some guys take the mufflers off because they don’t wanna hear what they think. Sissies don’t like any of that. They want us all to drive electric cars. Electric cars don’t roar, they hum. They don’t use any fuel at all. Unless you count the coal-powered generating stations that recharge them. And they don’t pollute. Unless you count throwing dead lithium batteries into a landfill. Yeah okay electric cars are quiet but let’s look at the downside – electric cars are quiet. You can’t hear them coming. Nobody with functioning ears ever accidentally stepped out in front of a diesel truck. But a car that sounds like a blender doesn’t scare anybody. Then there’s the range factor. They tell me they have electric cars now that can go 250 miles before they need a recharge. Well what if I just hurt myself and I live 251 miles from the hospital? And there must be some conditions on that 250 mile range. Everything runs on electricity so I’m guessing all the accessories need to be turned off – the radio, the A/C, the wipers, the rear window defroster, the heated seats, the power windows, the headlights… Turn all those babies on and you can barely make it out of your own driveway. And electric cars make lousy emergency vehicles. Whenever there’s a hurricane or a tornado, the first thing that goes out is the power. How can you evacuate in your Tesla when the power has been off for three days? Hopefully you kept your riding mower as a back-up. But the biggest problem with electric cars is that they assume people are smart. They’re not. And any of us with relatives can prove it. We’re not gonna remember to plug the car in. We’re not gonna remember where the local charging stations are. We’re not gonna remember that it gets dark. We’re not gonna remember about a construction detour that takes us out of our driving range. We’re not gonna remember that we’re driving an electric car. We’re too stupid to drive electric cars. Some of us are too stupid to drive gasoline cars but at least when we run out of gas, we can hitchhike with a gas can and be back on our way. With an electric car, when you’re out of juice, you’re screwed. I suppose you could try jamming your big toe into the cigarette lighter receptacle while you rub cats on your sweater but that’ll just give you a bad smelling car and a letter from PETA. So all you scientists out there, you need to find a better solution – a cleaner burning fuel or higher efficiency engines or something. Even fuel rationing is a better idea than electric cars. And if the day ever comes when they force me to drive an electric car, I’ll tow a generator.
  • And now they’re working on cars that drive themselves. Why? I don’t wanna stop driving. Driving’s fun. Who asked them to take that over? How about something that takes out the garbage or picks up at after the dog? Get my lawnmower to drive itself. Leave my car alone. Who thought we needed cars that we don’t have to drive? We already have those. They’re called railroad cars. You just sit there. Not a care in the world until all of a sudden you’re upside down in a ravine. And they say they’re gonna start with 18 wheelers. Yeah that’s a good idea. What could be safer than an 18 wheeler with 30 tons of payload booting down the highway with no driver. They say it’ll put a lot of truckers out of a job. Don’t worry about it, they’ll hire ‘em back to drive all the ambulances they’re gonna need. Next thing you know the government’s going to send a guy around to sleep with your wife. They say it’ll cut down on accidents.